Founder’s Memo
To: Investors, Advisors, My Dog
From: Me, Founder/Copywriter/Sole Employee
Re: Mildly Useful Things You Didn’t Want Until Now.
Dear Stakeholders, voyeurs, and the inevitably confused first time visitors who found this memo…
When I launched Mildly Useful, I wasn’t chasing growth. I was chasing the feeling you get when someone impulse-buys a silicone egg separator because the product description called it “a divorce lawyer for your breakfast.”
This site is about copy that sells, even when the product doesn’t.
The Vision
This is part store, part stunt, part copy therapy.
Mildly Useful exist to:
- Unearth mildly useful products and give them emotional weight
- See how far a sentence can go before someone buys something
- Turn everyday impulse into sales that may or may not happen
No KPI’s. No CRO. Just glorified selling.
Market Opportunity
The global market for regret-fueled impulse buys is limitless.
Our differentiator? Emotional manipulation disguised as entertainment.
We’re not here to solve problems.
We’re turning them into punchlines — and sometimes conversions.
Business Model
We monetize through:
- Affiliate links
- Digital products no one asked for
- Ocassionally selling the founder’s actual belongings (a digital garage sale)
- Accepting tips as penance for enjoying this kind of writing
Competitive Advantage
We don’t optimize for trust.
We earn it by not bullshitting you.
Exit Strategy
- Build fake traction
- Get featured on Product Hunt
- Get acquired by a kitchen gadget company for reasons no one understands
With Conviction,
Gideon W.
Founder, Writer, Home Janitor
Mildly Useful HQ (a.k.a. My Desk)